Conversations With Mr B: Emotionally Inept

Scene: Walking home from Royal Quays shopping outlet after a lovely hot chocolate and cake in Thorntons cafe. Mr B is trying to explain some new TV programme to me

Mr B: It's got that character from "In The Loop". You know who I mean.

Me: "Walk the f*cking line" (in a very bad Scottish accent) - that dude?

Mr B: No. The other one.

Me:  "Difficult difficult lemon difficult"

Mr B: No, you goof, that's Chris Addison's character.

Me: Yes, I know that.

Mr B: The other one. Erm... Simon.

Me: Oh. "It's not inevitable. It's just not evitable"

Mr B: "You better work on that f*cking line" (also in a bad Scottish accent)

Me: That's an awesome film.

Mr B: It was R. (ex-girlfriend) that put us onto that wasn't it?

Me: Yes. *short pause* Remind me, how did you two ever break up? You seem to have an awful lot in common.

Mr B: Basically, one day she said "nah" and I am completely emotionally inept and said "oh ok".

Me: So, basically, we've just lasted this long because I didn't say "nah" to you?

Mr B: Erm... well... no, not exactly. I'm different now. I'd fight for you.

Me: What if I said "nah" to you now.

Mr B: Erm... I don't know

Me: That's not putting up much of a fight for me after 9 years Mr B.

Mr B: Ok. How about this - I've got the house keys.

Me: I've got the joint account card and there's a Premier Inn across the road.

Mr B: I can take the money out of the account. Or I could, if I knew the password.

Me: That's it? I've got the house keys. That's all you can come up with? Not that you love me or anything like that.

Mr B: Well, I was being practical, because you're a practical person really. I could start bringing the boy into it but that just seems pathetic.

Me: Well, yes. I would win. I've got the maternity leave.

Mr B: So?

Me: Are you kidding me?

Mr B: Well, that's just an accessory issue.

Me: Is it? Well, what are the big issues then?

Mr B: Well, I love you, because obviously that seems to matter to you, but most importantly, I have the house keys.

Sorry Doctor

Scene: Awkward postnatal appointment with a Doctor who was not my doctor...

Doctor: When you have your next baby...

Me: * cutting off doctor before he finishes that sentence * There won't be a next baby.

Doctor: Well, accidents to happen.

Me: Trust me. There won't be a next baby.

Doctor: We would like to make you feel happier about that.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry Doctor, how many next children would you like me to have???

(Of course I didn't actually say that. I sat in silence looking at him as though he had two heads, but I wish I had said it).