Question Time

Mr B and I have our first wedding anniversary coming up in a few days time. This means one very important thing: I get presents. When I know I am getting a present, I turn into a small child with an enormous amount of excitement and natural curiosity. Mr B likes to refer to this as "being a pain in the arse". This is how it goes:

Mrs B: "Give me a clue"
Mr B: "No"
Mrs B: "One clue"
Mr B:"Why?"
Mrs B: "Because I want one"
Mr B:"But I always end up giving you more than one clue"
Mrs B: "Just one clue, I promise and then I won't ask for get any more clues"
Mr B:"Ok, it's small and it goes on for a really long time"
Mrs B: "Is it a Duracell battery?"
Mr B:"That's another clue"
Mrs B: "No, it's a follow-up question. You're allowed follow up questions"
Mr B:"No you aren't. This isn't Prime Minister's bloody question time"
Mrs B: "You're not the Prime Minister."
Mr B: "No, I'm not"
Mrs B: "I don't like the Prime Minister"
Mr B: "Okay"
Mrs B: "Did you buy it from a shop or the internet?"
Mr B: "I haven't bought it yet"
Mrs B: "Where are you going to buy it from?"
Mr B: "A shop. I've reserved it"
Mrs B: "When did you reserve it?"
Mr B: "Today"
Mrs B: "Where is the shop your buying it from"
Mr B: "Eldon Square" (a shopping centre)
Mrs B: "The top end by M & S, or the bottom end?"
 Mr B: "The top end"
Mrs B: "Was it Monsoon or that expensive jewellers on the corner?"
Mr B: "You know, even the leader of the opposition only gets six questions"
Mrs B: "So?"
Mr B: "Well you've asked more than six questions"
Mrs B: "Is it purple?"
Mr B: "I'm not telling you any colours. Colours are important"
Mrs B: "That's another clue"
Mr B: "Bugger"
Mrs B: "Is it green?"
Mr B: "That's another colour. I'm not giving you any colours"
Mrs B: "I meant eco-friendly"
Mr B: "Did you?"
Mrs B: "No. But is it green?"
Mr B: "I'm not telling you"
Mrs B: "Is it pink?"
Mr B: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Mrs B: "Does it have more than one colour?"
Mr B: "That's about colours"
Mrs B: "But it's not A colour, is it?"
Mr B: "Hmph"
Mrs B: "So does it have more than one colour?"
Mr B: "Yes"
Mrs B: "How many colours?"
Mr B: "No more questions"
Mrs B: "Does it have less than ten colours?"
Mr B: "No more questions. I'm not letting you have any more clues"
Mrs B: "But it's not a clue. It's a question"
Mr B: "Well you can ask another question tomorrow"
Mrs B: "Why not now?"
Mr B: "Because I said so"
Mrs B: "But this is Prime Minister's question time. You're not a dictator you know"
Mr B: "I know"
Mrs B: "So, does it have less than ten colours"
Mr B: "That's another question"
Mrs B: "Well just answer me this question and I won't ask any more"
Mr B: "Yes you will"
Mrs B: "I'll make you a deal: if I ask any more questions, you can take it back to the shop"
Mr B: "But then you won't have a present"
Mrs B: "Well, that would serve me right for asking questions"
Mr B: "I'm not taking it back to the shop"
Mrs B: "Good"

* Slight pause"

Mrs B: "So, does it have less than ten colours"

Mr B: "That's another question"

* Cue ten minutes of repetition, with each of us hoping that the other will back down first *

Mrs B: "But you know you're going to back down first"
Mr B: "That's another question"
Mrs B: "No, it's not"
Mr B: "No, you're right,  it's not"
Mrs B: "No it's not less than ten colours?"
Mr B: "I'M NOT TELLING YOU"
Mrs B: "Why? I won't ask any more questions. Just this one"
Mr B: "But it's more fun winding you up"
Mrs B: Silence
Mr B: "Is this me getting the silent treatment?"
Mrs B: Silence
Mr B: "I'll tell you the answer tomorrow"
Mrs B: "You'll be too tired tomorrow"
Mr B: "Why?"
Mrs B: "Well, I hear sleeping on the floor isn't good for you"
Mr B: "Nice one Mrs B"
Mrs B: "I'm not even kidding"
Mr B: "You can't make demands like that"
Mrs B: "Yes I can"
Mr B: "Fine. It's less than ten colours"

* Pause *

Mrs B: "Well is it less than five colours?"

Monstrous Monday

Here is a summary of the last week:


I got an assistant. She was fabulous! She was very sweet, hard-working and funny. Then today she turned into a horrible monster. So I chopped her head off.

Okay, that last part may have been an exaggeration.

Dear Mobile Phone Provider...

Dear Mobile Phone Provider,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that your website is now informing your customers when they do need to contact Customer Services, and when they do not. I sincerely hope that this prevents others from having to call your customer services department.

I am somewhat bemused about your "goodwill gesture" of a £10 discount on my tariff. I would like to reiterate that Miss Customer Service 2010 already offered me a discount of £20 and promised that it had already been applied to my account, so you will understand if I am less than thrilled by your offer. You will also note that I signed up to a tariff of £20 per month. If you do not rectify the situation immediately, I will have to hunt you down and poke you with a sharp, pointed stick.

Perhaps your staff could benefit from some re-training which enables them to carry out the actions which they have promised to customers.

I note that you have now begun to take money from my bank account in return for the service you have provided. This disappoints me greatly.

I am further disappointed to note that your complaints staff are no better trained than your customer service staff. Whilst the response was legible, it did not address most of the issues I raised. I believe a basic literacy course could assist in this area.

I look forward to receiving legible and relevant correspondence from you at some point in the future. I am not holding my breath.

Regards,

Mrs B

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Monster Muncher

One of my oldest and closest friends Monster Muncher just had a baby, Lily Grace, born 4th May, so I'm just popping in to say a huge congratulations to her and her hubby!! Looking forward to meeting the little one. 

Shopping Ettiquette

Whilst shopping yesterday, I encountered a number of incidents which would suggest that there are people who leave their manners at home whilst they are in a shop. This applies to the staff as much as the customers. So, in addition to my guide to Office Etiquette, here is a guide to shopping etiquette.



1. It is entirely inappropriate for you to stand in the entrance to a shop, having a conversation with someone and blocking the way for everyone else to get in. This also applies to aisles within the shop. I am not your friend. I do not want to be held up listening to your conversation.

2. I am not invisible. You can see me. Do not ram your trolley into me. It hurts.

3. When I am buying wine at the self-checkout and you have to come over to authorise the transaction, do not click the "customer is clearly over 25" button. I am only just 25. When you say I am "clearly" older than this, it makes me feel old and wrinkled.

4. When I am standing staring at a particular shelf, it is generally because I am perusing the contents. It is incredibly rude of you to step in front of me and start looking at things on that same shelf. It makes me angry.

5. If you must insist on dragging your poor children around a busy shop on a Saturday, it would be prudent of you to keep an eye on them. This would prevent them from attempting to trip up other shoppers and generally making a nuisance of themselves (please note, I have nothing against children, I just don't like tripping over them whilst I shop).

6. When serving customers at the till, it is not a good idea to conduct an argument with your boyfriend about where exactly your paracetamol are. This is not brilliant customer service.

7. If I am browsing a selection of clothing, I do not need an over-enthusiastic shop assistant to come and advise me of all the different colours in which I can purchase a garment. Especially not when all these colours are on display. I am also capable of working out the difference between long-sleeved and short-sleeved shirts, thank you.

8. If you are trying to encourage me to buy something, it is probably not a great idea to swagger over to me reeking of alcohol and telling me you feel like a refugee in your uniform. In fact, would probably be a good idea to carry some mints and not speak to any customers until you are sober.

That's all I can think of right now, but feel free to add your own ...

There's No Place Like Home

This weekend Mr B and I went back to our homeland for a brief visit and a surprise birthday meal. We were staying with my grandparents in a little town / village called Garstang on the outskirts of Lancaster.

As we turned into Garstang and headed towards the chinese, we passed a rather unusual spectacle.

It was an elderly man on a bicycle, cycling down the main road ... in his underpants. Not just his underpants, but also a flat cap, shirt and tie and some walking boots. Definitely underpants though.

Soon after this, we passed a warning sign (which Mr B says has always been there, but which I have never seen). It looked like this ...

I feel that this needs no further explanation.

I texted our friend LB "You know you're in Lancaster when..." with a brief outline of the story. Her response was : "Tell Mr B to get back in the car. Now." She is officially the funniest person I know.