Mascara Mysteries

Last week, Mr B and I decided to celebrate the start of my maternity leave with a long weekend in Yorkshire. We stayed in a lovely B & B near Fountains Abbey and had a very nice few days. This is all beside the point. I am telling you this in the hope that you can help me solve my mystery.

On our last morning there, I was in the bathroom attempting to put on my make-up so as not to frighten the other guests at breakfast time (very considerate of me, I know). It was not a particularly large or fussy bathroom.

As I was busy applying my eye-shadow over the sink, I heard a tiny little tap noise as if something had fallen. I reached for my mascara and it was gone. It has been sitting on the shelf by the sink. There were no holes in the shelf, or the floor. There were no cloaks of invisibility. All the units were firmly sealed and the toilet seat was down.

My mascara was nowhere to be found. Where is it?!!!!

Baby Brain

I have succumbed to baby brain. I have tried to resist it, I really have, but it has caught up with me, as the following conversations will demonstrate:

Conversation in the lift with a work colleague:

Scenario: I am walking into the lift, staring intently at my Blackberry.

Colleague: *looks pointedly at Blackberry* You're not still working are you?

Me: No. I'm sending myself an email to remind myself to do something I forgot to do before I left. If I don't do it right now, I'll forget what I need to do. 

Colleague: What do you need to do?

Me: I can't actually remember. 

Several hours later at home:

Scenario: I am logged into the laptop staring aimlessly at an empty blog post screen, trying to work out what I was planning to blog about. 

Mr B: You look confused.

Me: I've forgotten what I was blogging about.

* logs out  of Blogger *

Mr B: Oh well. Did you manage to sort that training out at work?

Me: S@*t. That's what I forgot to do. 

Mr B: That's not very bright. 

Me: No. It gets worse * tells Mr B the story about the lift at work * I need to email myself about it right now so I don't forget tomorrow. 

Mr B: * laughing at my stupidity * That would make a good blog post. 

Me: B*@ll$%cks. That's what I was logged into Blogger for...

Mr B: * laughs again*

Me: * shuts down laptop *

Mr B: What are you doing?

Me: *looking at Mr B as though he has two heads* I'm shutting down the laptop

Mr B: What about that email?

Me: What email?

Things No-one Ever Tells You About Being Pregnant

1. Your bump is not a permanent fixture. In the early days it will disappear without warning, leaving you looking like you just ate too many pies (or in my case, too many cakes). As your bump develops, it will look like there is a little alien inside you. It will move around randomly and, at times, will look quite disfigured.

2. Ironically, the bigger your bump gets, the fewer cakes you can eat (the same applies to chocolate, chips and anything else you might like to eat in large quantities).

3. You will not realise how useful your pelvic floor muscles are until you cannot rely on them to function adequately in a variety of different situations.

4. Gaviscon will become your very best friend.

5. Random strangers in supermarkets will ask you "when's it due?" and you are expected to want to discuss this. You are also expected to carry on as normal when they say "bloody hell, you're enormous", and by 'carry on as normal' I do not mean 'punch them in the face'.

6. You will become stupid. I mean really stupid. You cannot resist it.

7. You will suddenly decide that the names you picked out for your child when you were 7 years old are complete rubbish and that no-one in their right mind would call their child that. Then, despite promising you would not be 'that person', you will go out and buy a book of baby names which you will read cover to cover without finding a single name you like.

8. When people you barely know reach out and touch your bump, it is not acceptable for you to respond by reaching out to touch their belly.

9. Not only will you lose the ability to see your own feet, you will also lose the ability to put your shoes on without assistance. Unless, that is, your shoes happen to be slippers or flip-flops because things would have to be pretty dire before you could fail to get your feet into those.

10. Wearing orange clothing of any type will result in you looking like a space-hopper. There are no exceptions.