Things No-one Ever Tells You About Being Pregnant

1. Your bump is not a permanent fixture. In the early days it will disappear without warning, leaving you looking like you just ate too many pies (or in my case, too many cakes). As your bump develops, it will look like there is a little alien inside you. It will move around randomly and, at times, will look quite disfigured.

2. Ironically, the bigger your bump gets, the fewer cakes you can eat (the same applies to chocolate, chips and anything else you might like to eat in large quantities).

3. You will not realise how useful your pelvic floor muscles are until you cannot rely on them to function adequately in a variety of different situations.

4. Gaviscon will become your very best friend.

5. Random strangers in supermarkets will ask you "when's it due?" and you are expected to want to discuss this. You are also expected to carry on as normal when they say "bloody hell, you're enormous", and by 'carry on as normal' I do not mean 'punch them in the face'.

6. You will become stupid. I mean really stupid. You cannot resist it.

7. You will suddenly decide that the names you picked out for your child when you were 7 years old are complete rubbish and that no-one in their right mind would call their child that. Then, despite promising you would not be 'that person', you will go out and buy a book of baby names which you will read cover to cover without finding a single name you like.

8. When people you barely know reach out and touch your bump, it is not acceptable for you to respond by reaching out to touch their belly.

9. Not only will you lose the ability to see your own feet, you will also lose the ability to put your shoes on without assistance. Unless, that is, your shoes happen to be slippers or flip-flops because things would have to be pretty dire before you could fail to get your feet into those.

10. Wearing orange clothing of any type will result in you looking like a space-hopper. There are no exceptions.