If you're tuning into this blog post expecting to read about some kinky shenanigans, then you may as well leave now. That whole 50 shades craze is passing me by. Thankfully.
Our little boy was born four days before Mr B's birthday, which has been rather inconvenient to be honest. Last year, it meant I was in hospital, smacked off my face on medication (of the very legal kind), whilst our boy was nursing a sore head and poor Mr B was celebrating by going to work, running around shopping for my whims (which I seem to recall were a nightie, a notepad and a pen), finding the cards I had bought him before the whole giving birth thing kicked off and had hidden in an unspecified 'safe place', driving to the hospital to watch me sobbing uncontrollably because my 'baby blues' had kicked in, then visiting a sleeping Sam on special care whilst I sobbed uncontrollably to a visiting friend, before heading home for a chinese takeaway for one. That is totally the birthday that dreams are made of, isnt it? I know. I know. I am, frankly, the most awesome wife that ever lived.
This year, I thought I would try to top the previous year's effort (without the whole giving birth part, as I'm not particularly keen on repeating that). This was not going to be an easy task. Once again, our little B eclipsed Mr B's birthday celebrations by turning one and, let's be honest, being one is far more important than being twenty eight (not to mention little B has more friends than his daddy). We decided to celebrate S's birthday in style, ignoring the fact that Mr B's birthday was a mere four days later. Conveniently, pay day arrived after Mr B's birthday, meaning we could not do anything else extravagant, having used all our extravagance on the boy's birthday. So, in vintage Mrs B style, I set out to make a birthday out of virtually nothing. Here's how it went:
1. Turn the Baby Wall of Fame into a Husband Wall of Fame
Take down all photos of the small child, except the ones which feature the small child and the big child together. These can be left because they are sentimental or something, and they fill space.
Realise that two photos is not enough to make a wall of fame.
Search the house for photo albums with easily removable photos (note, stopping to look at your wedding album and marvel at how much more like a blimp you look these days is not conducive to getting things done). Find a box of old photos. Do not get distracted with irrelevant pictures.
Realise that you do not have a huge selection of photos of your husband considering you have spent ten years of your life with him. Try not to wonder whether this demonstrates that something is lacking in your relationship. That is not important.
Pin the small child into a highchair with snacks whilst you scramble over the table and attach the photos to the wall.
Your wall of fame is complete. Don't stop to admire it. We do not have time for that.
2. Recycle the Decorations
You have recently held a party for a small child, which presumably involved decorations. If there were no decorations, we need to discuss your party planning skills, or lack thereof. If you have tidied them away, then this is the point at which to chastise yourself. Slatterns rejoice! Your time has come and your workload has been significantly reduced.
Do bear in mind the age discrepancy between your husband and child. Hide anything that indicates the "1st birthday" aspect of the first party. For balloons, this means turn them around so the writing becomes invisible. Banners will have to be taken down, folded over to cover the "1st" leaving only the "Happy" and "Birthday" visible. You don't need to move the decorations from their current places. It will be fine.
3. Find Willing Friends With No Social Plans
If you have left it too late and all your friends have social plans, then you need to rethink your friend list. Seriously. Having a life is soooooo last year. Invite your friends round for a surprise birthday tea. They will think you are awesome for saving them from an evening in front of the TV, and your husband will think you have planned a thoughtful meal. Or, if like mine, he actually knows you, he will just think you're winging it - this is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the Mrs B way of life. Follow me and I shall teach you more...
4. Raid the Freezer
Your freezer is your friend. There is bound to be something in there you froze some time ago and forgot to eat. In my case it was pork chops. It could easily have been wellington boot, with my freezer it's hard to tell.
Try to find something you can slow cook. Virtually anything can be cooked slowly. This instantly conveys the impression of fanciness.
5. Raid the Fridge
Discover cider. Cider and pork work well together. Cider also works well with chicken. Less so with beef or lamb. This is my wisdom, what you choose to do with it is your own business.
6. Raid the Veg Rack
If you discover potatoes, you are saved. If you don't, you're going to struggle. Also, why don't you have potatoes? Everyone has potatoes. What is wrong with you?
5. Raid the Baking Cupboard
Rustle up the ingredients for a cake. If you don't have the exact things, make them up. You can substitute a small amount of self-raising flour with cornflour, which will have the advantage of making your sponge lighter and fluffier. Don't overdo it though. You aren't trying to make a sauce.
Don't forget to check the corners of your baking cupboard for hidden decorating gems, such as icing pens and hundreds and thousands. Every little helps.
6. Frisk Your Sofa
There is bound to be some loose change, or if you're lucky a hidden note down there. This should be used sparingly, and to buy small things with a big impact. For what it's worth, my fiver (yes, I was lucky) went on a camembert for a starter (baked with things to dip in, always a winner), veg for the main course and birthday candles. I am the last of the big spenders.
7. Enlist the Help of a Small Child
Find a huge piece of paper and some art supplies. Let them loose. Their wacky creations are endearing.
8. Tidy Up
For those of you prone to spending hours cleaning, you need to find your inner slattern. Hide things in things, under things or in the spare room. Polishing is all well and good, but if you're pressed for time, waft a cloth over things. Always squirt some polish in the air by the front door to convey the impression you have been cleaning for hours. Bleach down the toilet is a must.
You have my wisdom. Go forth and party plan.
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