Here's The Thing

For a brief, vomit-inducing moment, I considered titling this post "My Fresh Start". I was going to tell you about how having a baby has changed me, how I want to become more positive in my blog posts and how you may have to adjust to a toned-down version of the infamous Mrs B's Furious.

I was going to tell you these things, until the twee-ness of my unwritten words made me want to choke on my own vomit.

Of course, having a baby has changed me. At this precise moment, I am sat on my door-step, balancing the laptop on my knee and awaiting my take-out pizza (I am nothing if not classy). I am sat here for the sole reason that my child is asleep in the car, and I am paranoid about leaving him there without constant adult supervision. This is how having a baby has changed me: 12 months ago, you wouldn't have caught me sat out here typing a blog about how things have changed whilst waiting for a takeaway pizza. Not me. I'd have been sat on my sofa in my PJs. Admittedly still waiting for the pizza, but you get my point.

It has changed me in other ways too. I have become one of those people who will sniff their small child's crotch-area to check if a nappy change is needed, I have started to talk in a language understood only by babies and cartoon characters, and I think nothing of leaving the house covered in baby bogeys. My body has changed beyond all recognition. I have learnt (and regularly sing) nursery rhymes (with or without my baby present). My idea of a good night involves crawling into bed at around 8.30 and sleeping undisturbed until a sociable hour of morning. None of these things are especially relevant to the topic of my post.

Since having my baby (almost 12 months ago), I have not been well. I don't just mean vomit-inducing moments and child-related paranoia as outlined above. I mean in the head. You know, that thing we don't talk about. That. Yeah.

So, I stopped blogging because everything has changed. Nothing is really that amusing at the moment and even when something seems worth writing about, I get distracted easily (for example, I started this sentence and then wondered for a few minutes about whether or not it is grammatically correct to start a sentence with 'so'). Sigh. I don't really enjoy many things or get that excited about them now. When I am angry about something, it is less 'The Furious' and more that child from The Exorcist with the spinning head. I don't remember what sleeping feels like. Actually, I don't remember what a lot of things feel like. It doesn't make for good blogging really. Writing does not come easily to me now. Pretending anything else would just make my blog a bit pointless really, wouldn't it? But I don't want to give up my blog because things have changed. Change is a good thing, right? Maybe finding a way to write about things without making my readers reach for a shot-gun will help. Perhaps trying to find the funny side of things which have happened, and are happening, will give me a perspective outside of my black hole of doom. Who knows. Stick with me, and maybe we'll find out?