Birth Boasting Baby Groupers

* Disclaimer: I do not have anything against the vast majority of people I have met through baby groups. Most of them are quite nice and we get along very well. There are, however, a small group of birth-boasters who get right on my wick.*


Dear Birth-Boasting Baby Groupers, 


Yes, you, the ones who think that it is absolutely necessary to share every minute detail of your fantastically, wonderful birth stories with a room full of strangers. Not everyone has been quite so lucky as you. Not everyone wants to hear the intimate details of your child's birth. Not everyone actually cares how you got your precious bundle of joy into the world. Most of us are fully aware of where babies come from. 


You do not have to wear your birth story like a badge of honour. "I got to 6cm dilated and I hadn't even felt it". Well, bully for you Little Miss Six-Centimetres, would you like your certificate now, or later? I'm not entirely sure what to write on the certificate though, perhaps we should agree on some kind of scale of pain of dilation before I do it, so that we can be sure you are getting the full recognition for your achievement. 


Little Miss Water Birth, your prize is in the post (the prize being for most irritating birth-story of the century) : "the water just took all the pain away." Really? Well, thanks ever so much for sharing that. No, really, my life is now complete.  Do you have any concept of how pain actually works? A bath of water cannot block the pain receptors in your brain, unless you are doing it wrong. You may wish to look into this. 


Finally, to Little Miss 'I Sneezed and He Popped Out', I would give you your award, but I think you have more pressing matters to attend to: there is clearly something terribly wrong with your pelvic floor muscles if you didn't even notice a 9lb baby popping out during a sneeze. Run along to the hospital now, there's a good girl, and do stop hassling me with your birth story. 


I am warning you, I will not be held responsible for my actions if I have to listen to one more pain-free sneeze-birth story. I will set fire to the person's face. I am not normally a violent person, but there's just no need for it. Hurrah! You had a lovely birth experience, that's great for you. Stop rubbing my nose in it.



Thanks ever so much, 


Mrs B x